Selfish

 I am a broken man.

My bones are ash beneath your vice

These eyes are blind in a world so vividly bright

I thought I had tried so hard to move through this life

but the blood that pumped this stolen heart

has withered and dried

  How can I still be alive?

  What more do I have to give? 

Tourniquets strangle this delicate flesh

Needles that tear my veins

Tubes intubate, feeding me, breathing me, 

drugging me, steadily killing me

   Death is my thrill, I've endured so many times

   Come with me and see what it really means

   to be truly unconsciously free

How this body survives is a mystery

Escaping the light is my mastery

I constantly wander through the beyond

I am the rightful king of autoscopy 

   Such intensity as I watch myself bleed

   There is no more care, no relief, just release

   from all this pain, my shame, this world, belief

Watching the seconds slowly count to infinity

Time endlessly floating and slipping away

He comes for me again, I see

I gratefully embrace the grip of calignosity 

My only friend surreptitiously in black

Before me to reap my dreams and memories

     Finally, arms to embrace me, to take me

     away from my lost love...of you

 Alone on my bed of bones

    Close my eyes, and with my gracious smile, now I can die.  

 

 

For you

For you (you know who you are),

I can remember that late night we were close for a moment, in the early morning hours you held me tight.

When the light came you abandoned me without a second thought.  It just didn't feel right.

But you were never really mine, so who would I be to put up a fight?  I just walked away with your face in my mind. It was so simple for you to leave me behind.

As you left me far off in the rear view until I was out of sight, it must've been a relief, now you can play blind.  Say you were never there, and if you were not there, then I must have been nowhere.  

Because I can visualize a minute of peace, a thoughtful embrace, and if that didn't happen to me, where the fuck could I have been? 

Was I ever in that house?  Did I see you or just remain unseen?  You wouldn't need a reason not to want me, nobody does.  So you put me in my place, yell, scream that you hate me, something, just acknowledge me.  Please, you haunt my dreams.

I am aware that no one would in their right mind choose me to be with.  This will always be me.  It makes it easier to disappear.  You can always go home, back to him, and believe what you need it to be.  But when you tell them all how it was, I know, you will just leave me the fuck out of your beliefs.

I am king of absolute nothing.

Lord of the unwanted.

Redeemer of fallen hopes and broken dreams.

Alone and slowly dying.