So Far

*this was written months ago. I've since moved from my apartment. Not much else has changed.


    So I haven't written anything in a long while.  It seems that I'm losing what ability I used to have with written literature.  I'm holed up all the time in my tiny cave, so that's no excuse for not writing.  But what I would attribute to my lack of expression is my lack of communication with the outside world, my isolation from people and meaningful conversation.  I really don't have anyone on my level to communicate with.  I have friends and we bullshit, but that's what the conversation is 'bullshit'.  I get so much of my knowledge from studying information from the internet, educational television programming, and even listening to talk radio.  I'm a information junkie.  But what is it that keeps me immobile?  Energy is one thing.  I am constantly in a state of depression.  Sometimes worse than others, but it still affects my appetite.  I think another reason might be the pills I'm constantly on that put me in more or less a semi-functioning catatonic state.  But I think that a large part of what shuts me down is that there is no one here.  I've done roommate situations before and I cannot stand it.  So I decide to live like this.  But for maybe 3-4 hours maybe every other day I have interactions with other humans who are nothing like me and have nothing in common with me, so the interaction is meaningless.  I don't want to say that I 'hate people', because that would include all of you. But for the most part, you people bore the hell out of me.  

    I'm constantly trying to evolve my mental and spiritual self.  I do believe that there are mysteries that exist beyond our physical existence.  But surrounded by jackasses and douchebags, I come to a conclusion that we are doomed.  So I seperate myself from the masses and meditate in front of my fucking TV and waste my days thinking about how miserable it is to live in this age.       

untitled July 24, 2016

Just another passing soul, no need to glance or see.
I just carry on this way. Head down and march toward my open grave. 
Walk by some people laughing and carrying on and ignorant,
and I despise their cheer. Nothing that I would care to hear.
I want to get as far away from here.
This place is nowhere for me to settle down these bones.
My weakness comforts my anxious tendencies,
to walk straight off the face of humanity.
I hear the cries from the battered ones, who choose to stay,
with the constant negativity.
I can't convince you, maybe you like it this way.
Your life is yours to give up to who you
decide should kill you.
But I now relinquish my empty responsibilities.
Your so called lives have nothing, nothing to do with me.
Find god on your own terms, and for fucking Christ's sake,
leave me the fuck out of your way.
I'll only disappoint this way.

untitled May 10, 2016

    Arms raised to the heavens.  Fields of green turn a wilting grey.  The sky is red of the glow of blood upon the field.  Beneath the blacked clouds, bodies of the innocent are mounds of collected rotting flesh.  Becoming one with the earth.  I know he looks down on the scene with a grin and a slight of pride.  For this is his family's work.  And a son only wants to make his father feel something, of any sort.  But this is the accomplishment, what I have done here?  No words spoken by man will tell of the deeds committed this day, because none now exist.  Cast me to damnation.  Replace me with what was made from this earth.  Your greatest pride.  Yet, thus I have erased the creations you admire.  I can destroy any you can create.  Who is this master?  Creator or destroyer? I need not exist within your gilded realm. I rule this embodiment.  Send all who oppose.  I shall burn, consume, and inherit all who come.  Such is the act of war, such is the will of nature.  You may be the all encompassing, but I am the undiscovered.  This, I have awaited all eternity, just a chance to see you again, one last time.
-check your balls old man...