My friend Death

I'm going to be honest, I fucking hate my life. I've attempted suicide on a couple of occasions.  I've always had depression in my life. That's just a part of who I am. I can't help it. I've taken just about every anti-depression med out there. Nothing works. And on one occasion I was seconds away from blowing my brains out. I realized the pills were responsible. So now I take klonopin and seroquel for anxiety and sleep. Anti- psychotic meds, anti- rejection pills, beta blockers, and an enormous amount of oxycodone. So mix pills and depression and now that's all I am. There's nothing special about me. I'm an anti- social pill head who still sometimes plays with toys. One of those toys is a Smith and Wesson .9mm. It's for protection (cause I'm a small person), but I know it's a way out. But I can't kill myself. I made a promise, that I plan on keeping, to never commit suicide. I have someone elses heart inside me. So it's my job to continue Chris' existence until I die. And that pains me. I feel so miserable here. I don't work anymore. I feel like I have no purpose here. I am a failure. That's what I say to myself every morning when I look at the mirror. My face disgusts me. I don't really recognize myself, like I'm looking at someone else, a loser. I've been through shit that most people will never experience or understand. My adult life was ruined. Leukemia, bone marrow transplant, mitral valve replacement, major heart failure, and a heart transplant, plus an ACL replacement in my left knee, othorscopic surgery of the right knee, and now I'm waiting to get a bone graft on the right knee soon. I'm full of medical horror stories. But I have no place here. I feel like a freak of nature. Frankenstein. I have nothing of real value. I don't buy into 'love' like every human android in the world. Internet dating is amount to prostitution. Everybody just wants to get laid. I just want to die. I've met with Death several times. We're buddies and we have a standing agreement for now. I've beaten that dick every time. Sometimes I feel invincible, and that makes me cocky. I flip off everyone. I'll throw pennies at asshole bikers that think they own the road. Most of the time I just don't give a fuck. I don't get excited about anything anymore. Everyday I just sit on the couch, watch TV, and eat pills. It makes me docile. I have no reason to get up in the morning, so I wake up at like 2 or 3pm. Just a pile of shit.  No ladies in my life, I'm pretty sure they hate me.  No talents. I live in a shithole apartment.  There's nothing for me.  Does anybody know what its l like to want to die, but can't? Frustrating.  So I sit here with a gun, no clip, barrel in my mouth, and click, nothing. Sad, alone, and bored. I wish for death to come back, so he can try again.  But I know I'll win, thats my curse. I'm not going to apologize for being such a downer. That's who I am, and you can't change that.  I'm not going to kill myself, I'll die when I'm ready.  So until then I'll exist, in the corner, looking down.