Withdrawls

I've  been taking pain medicine for about 7 years. First I started on dilaudid, which is the closest medical substitution for heroin. I took that for a long time. All through my cancer that was the only pain medicine that would work. Dilaudid intravenously is like paradise. Every thing goes away. The pain is gone, until it wares off. After the bone marrow transplant they kept me on the dilaudid regimen. I couldn't fuction without it. Eventually I had to down step to hydocodone. It started at 5mg/325. That worked for a while, but my knees are deteriorating. Doctor put me on the highest dose he could. 10mg/325, at 6 a day. And it still didn't handle the pain. The decision was finally made to switch to oxycodone. 10mg/325. The highest amount he was allowed to give me. Thanks Doc. But there are times when my knees hurt more and I take a couple extra. I feel better for a while, until it's all out. Once the drugs are gone, hell enters your soul. This is pain beyond pain. All of your joints ache like earthquakes. Depression hits hard. 

I do this a lot and I should be used to it. But every time, it's enough to want to end it all. But I'm still here, trapped in my own prison. Invincible.  If this happens to you, please prepare.