Trance Writing 1

I tried to care but you beat it out of me.

I wanted to be something I'm not but you rejected me, 

so now it's time to be who I am, who I was always meant to be

in spite of you.

These candles are lit for you. I have your name. I have my will. There is nowhere on this planet that you can hide.  I don't even have to find you to bind you to this effigy of torment. Unravel your soul.  Disassemble everything that you believe to be you. Scraps of ego burn in the winds of everlasting unforgivingness.  I dissect you. Silently we wait while all you were, are, and ever will be is cast to the earth and buried in our garden of misery.  The nothingness of you remains a wretched stench of flesh populating meaningless space.  The world and all who walk its face shall shun and curse your existence until it is no more.  In the name of the creator and the one who fell from his eye, I damn you and command you.  This be my will.  To erase you and insert the legion of all.  Thy Kingdom come.  Blessed be the fall, and glory in the rise.  

Hiatus

 

 

 I've been taking a break and getting up the nerve to start another project.  

the Doorway to Mystic Thought is coming soon.

Understandings...

   If you are reading this I truly appreciate you.  I know a lot of what I write is on the sadder aspects of life.  But I created this blog to get these feelings out so that they don't plague me in my waking life and drive me insane. I don't want to be misunderstood here.  I am so grateful to be here and to be able to write these words.  A lot has been sacrificed for me to continue my existence and I will never forget that.  But I can't forget the suffering.  It's not a negative thing, suffering helps us learn.  We get to figure out how strong we can truly be.  Experience the miracle of breath, the miracle of feelings, the miracle of pain, the miracle of tears, 'the gift of guilt'.  I can't hide from my truth, but I learn through suffering, and pain.  It is a part of me, it's a part of all of us, but don't try to escape from it.  I don't know if any of this makes sense to the reader, but expressing this helps me.  I don't want to drag anyone down with what I write, but it makes me feel a little better when I see that people have visited BURNTHEMESSENGER.com, and maybe someone out there reading this feels like I do.  I know there's so many of you who hurt like me, worse than me, I just want you all to know I am with you.  We all are on this sinking ship together and the only way to survive is to help each other.  That's what I want to do, is help in any way I can, and so far the best way for me to accomplish anything is to continue writing, and I will do so as long as my heart beats.

Honored

My soul endures the torment of a repressive existence,
I feel the others within me,
Struggle to make sense of the new darkness that consumes their sight,
This is not where you were meant to be,
You were your own being,
You were a light in so many worlds,
Falling from the heavens and smashing to earth,
Fragmented and scattered about in the wind,
Scorching the land and all you surround,
Handed your fire to me and housed in my chest,
To reignite the conflagration within a broken shell,
You are home with me,
Never intended but determined to adapt,
Fill the desolation with the noise of new life,
Brought back from death,
I regret the accommodations are slight,
I was never one to share all that I am,
But now,  this is us,
As one, we walk through eternity,
Sharing each step of new life together.

 You are me.

-This is dedicated to Chris, whose life saved my own,
  As well as the others trapped within me.  

Dilusional

On the descent of a being of brokenness,
Blind to all that presents truth,
Above his majestic creations, earth, sun, vast unending glory,
Damned to the empty shell of self,
The others, they thrive while they collect hides and heads,
Trophies of their time,
All the while ignorant to the beauty of the end,
The overwhelming infinity of god's lament,
Grandeur is the scheme for man can only rule his ground,
To venture aside, watch life in it's instant,
And stumble upon the profound,
This is what it means to exist,
Not your gluttonous desire,
For all things are emptiness,
If the wheel of the system will never cease,
Forever trapped in our lives,
No sign of release,
External, the vessel, temporary,
Fragile to house the eternal soul,
We all can see through you and the lies that you hold,
Unending the cycle.

Selfish

 I am a broken man.

My bones are ash beneath your vice

These eyes are blind in a world so vividly bright

I thought I had tried so hard to move through this life

but the blood that pumped this stolen heart

has withered and dried

  How can I still be alive?

  What more do I have to give? 

Tourniquets strangle this delicate flesh

Needles that tear my veins

Tubes intubate, feeding me, breathing me, 

drugging me, steadily killing me

   Death is my thrill, I've endured so many times

   Come with me and see what it really means

   to be truly unconsciously free

How this body survives is a mystery

Escaping the light is my mastery

I constantly wander through the beyond

I am the rightful king of autoscopy 

   Such intensity as I watch myself bleed

   There is no more care, no relief, just release

   from all this pain, my shame, this world, belief

Watching the seconds slowly count to infinity

Time endlessly floating and slipping away

He comes for me again, I see

I gratefully embrace the grip of calignosity 

My only friend surreptitiously in black

Before me to reap my dreams and memories

     Finally, arms to embrace me, to take me

     away from my lost love...of you

 Alone on my bed of bones

    Close my eyes, and with my gracious smile, now I can die.  

 

 

For you

For you (you know who you are),

I can remember that late night we were close for a moment, in the early morning hours you held me tight.

When the light came you abandoned me without a second thought.  It just didn't feel right.

But you were never really mine, so who would I be to put up a fight?  I just walked away with your face in my mind. It was so simple for you to leave me behind.

As you left me far off in the rear view until I was out of sight, it must've been a relief, now you can play blind.  Say you were never there, and if you were not there, then I must have been nowhere.  

Because I can visualize a minute of peace, a thoughtful embrace, and if that didn't happen to me, where the fuck could I have been? 

Was I ever in that house?  Did I see you or just remain unseen?  You wouldn't need a reason not to want me, nobody does.  So you put me in my place, yell, scream that you hate me, something, just acknowledge me.  Please, you haunt my dreams.

I am aware that no one would in their right mind choose me to be with.  This will always be me.  It makes it easier to disappear.  You can always go home, back to him, and believe what you need it to be.  But when you tell them all how it was, I know, you will just leave me the fuck out of your beliefs.

I am king of absolute nothing.

Lord of the unwanted.

Redeemer of fallen hopes and broken dreams.

Alone and slowly dying.